Step Parents Can Often Find That It Is Tough To Share Authority

Step parenting often brings its own particular problems as the new step parent is caught in the middle between the children and the biological parent. Exactly how much of a problem you will meet depends upon a large variety of factors, the most important of which will be the amount of co-operation you receive from the biological parent and the ages of the children involved.

The best parenting advice and the key to step parenting success lies first in clearly determining your role in the eyes of the biological parent as you are certainly going to have an uphill struggle if the two of you are not completely in agreement from the beginning. As with any changes in a relationship though you must also appreciate that adjustment takes time and you will need to adopt a 'step by step' approach. An attempt to hasten things, or to push the situation, will undoubtedly result in frustration and even confrontation. The biological parent might well feel threatened by the need to share parenting responsibilities and will need time to adjust and to develop confidence and trust in you as a parent to her or his children.

Next, you will clearly need to establish your role with the children who, unless they are very young, will generally resent being guided by an 'outsider'. You will need to take things very slowly and realize that the children will need time to get used to the situation before they accept you as a parent. Again, you will have to have the assistance of the biological parent in cementing your relationship with the children.

A successful transition into step parenting has to start with a clear and frank discussion with the biological parent, during which both parties need to communicated freely and honestly about how they see their own role, as well as that of the other party, and you both have to come to a clear agreement on just how you should share the responsibilities of parenting. This conversation also needs to set clear boundaries but need to be adaptable to allow for modification, especially in the critical first few weeks and months following the establishment of your new relationship.

This initial discussion will not of course be the end of the matter and several similar conversations will need to take place before a really meaningful and lasting change in parenting responsibilities can happen.

Having reached agreement the next step in the process is to bring the children on board and this must at first be led by the biological parent. At an appropriate time the family should all sit down together and the biological parent should begin a discussion during which the plan which you have agreed can be given to the children and then discussed with them.

At this point it is important to emphasize that this had to be a true discussion and not merely a case of the parents 'laying down the law' to the children. It is critically important that the children contribute to the discussion and that their views and thoughts on what you have agreed are listened to. Just like adults, children have to be permitted to have a feeling of control over their own lives and must be comfortable with the situation in which they now find themselves. This is not to say that the children must be given control of the situation, which has to remain firmly in the hands of the parents as the ultimate decision makers within the household, however, every effort should be made to make sure that they understand the situation and that they are as happy with it as is they can be.

The mere fact that the children are able to see that their parents have obviously considered the position carefully, and are in agreement about it, will go a long way towards preventing the children from playing the parents off against each other and the fact that they are included in the process will also help a great deal in getting them on board.

Coming into a household as a step parent can be very hard for not only the step parent but also for the biological parent and for the children and everybody must work together slowly and take their time to build an environment in which everyone is able to live happily together. Handled with care raising step children is not as difficult as many people think.